For Him

Hey, I know you read my blog and I sure you are uneasy and feel awkward-ness together but I want to tell you that I'm sorry about what happened lately. I didnt mean to make you feel this way but since you had read it and now the truth, I apologised about it. After for two years since my foundation, I had known you. You caught my eyes in the auditorium at the old Lasalle campus @ MountBatten. You are still as sweet as before. Although I kept it for years in my heart, I never wish to upset or break you two apart. I feel better though you are not like others. I hope you understand. I am hopeless and such a moron. I just want you to be yourself like before and give me all that stupid faces you gave before especially your smiles. I feel better letting you know but It might just kill both of us. I wish you well, Winston.

7th Day of Pokemon and Him (He Knows)

Woken by the alarm on my phone, I forced myself to open my eyes. Getting my way to work was such a hassle each morning. I am meeting up with Elvin at the same place at the same time. When we reached the backstage, He and Haikal came in after. They said they were behind us and trying to catch up but we were to fast. He didnt speak to me but He did smiled.

It was demoralising thinking about it. After the first show, Lia and I went to buy cup noodles at 7-eleven. Suddenly something happened when I went backstage, Elvin told me about Him knowing about my blog and the truth. I was DUMBFOUNDED! and I ran off to somewhere which I don't know where. I sat there and tears rolled slowly from the corner of my eyes to my chin. I ignored every calls I get and I called XN and told her about it. While the rest of my close friend's phone leave me to their voicemail.

The second show is starting soon. I strolled my way backstage and just sat on the stage extrance, avoiding everyone. Tears grew in my eyes as I kneed by myself clusting my fists and screaming in my heart. "Why must everything turned out this way?" I hate all those people who masked themselves as friends. F you FUCKERS!! Now He knew the truth and we felt awkwards with each other. Perhaps He feels weird and uneasy now that He knew. "ARGH~!" I can't believe what had happened today being such a chaos! Fuck it!

I feel funny now. I just wish everything can be rewind back in time. I went backstage after seeing Edwin and He smiled at me again while seated with the rest in a circle. I just sat quietly by myself away from them, just stoning away. Last show was a 'BAM!' Although I feel down and weak, I gathered my strength and dance my heart thru thinking of sweet moment we had before. The smile on His face. I was still down and while I was changing to my underwear, Keith went in my the front stage extrance and scared me. I screamed like a little girl! -.=

Everyone left and He is going to KO Night with His crew. He waves and said "Bye!" to me. Its funny but Thank you =)

I will miss you and letting go might kill me slowly, hopefully God and my close ones could bring me back to my feet. One day, in Heaven.. I pray to Allah.. "Dearest Lord of Merciful and The Loveful One, I pray and cry to you my heart and soul. I dont ask much but just plain happiness to everyone I love dearly for those who lives and those who had passed. I will accept my fate and my life that is given with all the goods and great memories and knowing your beautiful lights that are my friends till the end. I am blessed and I 'bersyukur' Ya Allah, bring Him to the land of your greatest and fill His world with happiness and love like how you gave me."

Amin.

Without You - Mariah Carey

No I can't forget this evening

Or your face as you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way

The story goes..

You always smile

But in your eyes

Your sorrow shows

Yes it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow

When I think of all my sorrow

When I had you there

But then I let you go

And now it's only fair

That I should let you know

What you should know

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't live

I can't give anymore

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't give

I can't give anymore

To whoever who read

Please please please to whoever who will read my blog,
keep everything that I had shared in this blog stay in this blog and yourself.
Please don't treat me differently just of what you have finally understood about my life. I am still a creation of God who I pray dearly. Although, It is tough and whatever path I'm given by Him stay with Him and only He understand my tiny broken heart. I trust you guys and hope you don't break this trust of mine.
I just want to feel love by someone. Thats all. I don't care about money, status or people that don't know me.
So what if I'm like this?! God knows.

7th Day of Pokemon and Him

I woke up todae feeling damn tired and I forced myself to bath with the icy morning tap water that chilled my spine. After getting changed, I make my way to work, meeting the rest at CityHall MRT as usual. I saw Him in red and I said "Shit!" Is not that I don't wish He is there but I just don't wanna see Him. I just remained calm and ignored Him but when I do that, He talked to me and when I wanna talked to Him is like He's ignoring me! So pissed!

Haikal, Him and I went to 7-eleven since He wants to get sweet. And then the show begins..

After the first show, Elvin, Lia, Sha and I went to 7-eleven to get stuff to eat. I had cup noodles instead todae. He went off with Keith and the rest as before that they were discussing abt some work issues. He had some pastries from 7-eleven as well as the rest. Oh dear, second show is fast and after that we went to carrefour to get food. Cheap and plenty. Elvin , Him and I bought half of a chicken and it was dsmn oily lah! but nice =) Finally, He said He is full and that was the first time since we started working.

And there He was..

Last show was clean and neat. Christie and Chrissie came to watch and they messed up my hair! -.= But thanks guys for coming and messing my hair as well. I left with Elvin, Lia and Sha to eat and 'berlepak' OMG~! so matt lah.. thanks Haikal for that -.= I called Him and He said that He going off with Haikal back home.

Oh yesh not forgetting, He breaks with some of us backstage and it hurts me to see you in pain lah.. Please dont force yourself and come on your shoulder still injured for goodness sake!! Please take care can?!

As I was abt to say, Elvin, Lia and I went to 'berlepak' at the Asian Civilisation Museum and we took many photos!!

When home after that and XN make me cry but I had thought about it for some time now and it hurts me badly. I might let Him go. I dont wish to.. seriously I dont want to. I will be lost like XN said its true. *cries* This time It really really painful. I cant think.

This is what I saw todae when I'm online. I'm scared.

PS: PLEASE SHUT UP for he who know what I meant by this. I shall not name you. You should know who you are. I'll get pissed! Its not funny okay. Seriously not.

Fin

6th Day of Pokemon and Him (He with Her)

It just hurt day by day. Perhaps I should not even see Him at all. I can't live. I need someone for support *cries* He smiles again todae at me. He alwaes do that. After the 1st show break, He went to have lunch with His girlfriend, Anita.. *cries*

At backstage todae, He was dancing the Bboy moves and Hip Hop from Miz. I was playing with His PSP.

I shall stop here..

Bboying while He's there

Myself, Elvin, Lia, Shasha

At Clarks Quay

Can see Lia's ..ehem!

Good Nights

~I will try to forget you~

5th Day of Pokemon and Him (Ladies Night)

Why can't I forget him? Everytime when I am angry with Him, there will alwaes be sometime that he did to make me smile. If fact it's not that I'm cold neither am I too tired. I just lied. I lied to Him. It's because of Him and what He said. It's because of the way He treats me. Feeling like an unwanted person seated by himself. Although there are many of them, they are like strangers to me. He asked, why am I seated alone? (Why you asked? Ask yourself) I gave everything that I could offer and everytime I did.. I would be hurt. I am no where near. Perhaps I should just let it go.Give it up. Don't bother. He gave me that face again but I just smile instead. I don't want to be touch and I was just about to crush my phone. I thot bringing Him in ould make me smile and get to see Him often but didn't I realised I am hurt and damaged. At times I just don't wish to see Him but i might die. really literally die in my thoughts.

OMG~!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!! I accidentally deleted the photos at Clark Quay together with Nora and Lia looking drunk!! argh~!

4th Day of Pokemon and Him (Jay-R Leaving)

OMG~! I cried at the airport.

His FINAL Good Bye~

Good bye Jay-R.. I'll miss you badly!

At Marina Square

I am really sad todae. First was about Jay-R leaving us and second its about Him. When I was sending Jay-R at the airport, mostly that come were this school mates, best friends and crew mates. I was quite outcasted in the scenario. Jay-R's girlfriend was crying badly at the gate and after he left Winston went off with His crew to Mac to eat their breakfast and He didnt noticed about me at all. Feeling awkwards with the other new faces and I am so different from them entirely. So I left the airport tearing about Jay-R's leave and a moment later He called me. He asked me why I left without a word and wants me to join them but you didnt even noticed my disappearing and presence at all?! He felt bad that He left me all by myself and forced me to eat my breakfast. I dont know what to say. Speechless.

I felt sad that you dont care and it seems like my presence are just crystal clear to your eyes. I was all alone at Marina Square's Mac at 9plus in the fucking morning. Before the night, I thought that we could eat breakfast together but well it was just a dreamand illusion. I hate you really but you hope me into place with your smile and words. Sigh! I wanna cry again!



BreakDance @ Backstage


Haikal Freeze!

Elvin & Haikal

D O P E!!

~Bboy Syahston~

Off Monday

Mondae!! And I slept like a LOG!! Thanks to Him for like making me do His crew design colours since something wrong with His. He did on Freehand and don't really know how to colour it. I was also busy last minute editting Jay-R's gift that I gonna give him while Winston did for him the crew T. It was funny cause when we were chatting and with me being blinded to colours well that does not really help much though =)

I did the design till 4plus in the morning with Him accompanying me but He likes only the first part while the second part was really sucky.. that I got to agree =) and soon He needs to sleep. We meet each other at FastPrint that locate near our school to print our stuffs. His crew T didnt turned out well but its ok since He didnt have much time left.

After that, He walked with me to the Art Friend but I was going to Taka's outlet instead so we took the same bus there since He was going to meet "HER" =( Sad for me but what can I do?

She's good and smiley but before she was just UNFRIENDLY LOOKING!!

His sketches of the T

The Crew T Design

I did the colours but the "CREW" looks weird

3rd Day of Pokemon and Him

AH!! Sunday is here. Well.. as usually the same old thing over and over again for 2 weeks. I could even dance with my eyes close! Its was busy like the day before but this time the coordinators had some for their break =) I went with Lia and bought food from the foodcourt upstair and He went to eat with the rest at Cavana after seeing Lia and I had it before =)

After work, we meet XN and Joel for prata together with Elvin and Winston. I'm surprised that He wanna come along as well to eat. He said He was very hungry. When we were in the bus, I sat beside Elvin and He was surposed to sit beside me until XN complaint that no one sit beside her that make Him changed His seat. I was quite upset but I was alright after. Stoopid Him kept saying me and bullied me -.= argh! angry with Him la! =)

Edwin and Khim meeting us at the prata place itself but we reached earlier and had our meal first. He sat beside me, shared the same menu and ordered the food together. We looked so sweet! haha! me dreaming too much! He had a plain, egg and chocolate prata and a huge cup of milo dinosaur. WOow! He was so hungry can tell. I just had a plain thosai and teh peng =) The whole time was so funny and cute! I love that night although my dae suck! Seriously! However, He needs to leave early as He will be meeting Jay-R and Ben in town. He passed me the money and hurry down to town. He bullied me lah (together with that mastermind, Elvin!!)

He wants me to delete this photo although we looked stoopid including myself but I love it =)

~If only it could be forever~

2nd Day of Pokemon and Him

Should I say it was just a dream or maybe just a reality that lie?

Its the second day of the pokemon show and OMG~! THREE shows! Its crazy and seriously very tiring lah! I meet Haikal at City Hall MRT and once we were there a few of the crew were there and He was really early =) The 1st and 2nd show at 1 and 3pm are really bad, not in the performance but the planning and running of the whole show was messy and unorganized. Well, with a mall that have such FUCKING management that is seriously FUCKED-UP and fussy Yesh! I would have to vote for Marina Square! Its utterly stupid and RUBBISH!! (Like what Whitney would say alwaes).

With such bad day of being screwed by the management and Uncle Johnny, there it was someone that carry my smile. Coordinators are the most pitiest bunch of people who really got scolded for everything and nagged at. Hosts as well and us mascotians who will be pick on if theres conjuctions on stage but mostly the coordinators would be blame and screw. Its so stressful for them and everything I will witness bitching at backstage and angry aura could be felt but WHO CARES!! Not theirs to blame =)

Oh yesh! The coordinators could not even have their lunch break due to briefing and scolding that would takes up their minimal time to eat. Lia and I actually went to help some of them to buy food. Like Elvin, Haikal, Winston and a guy who replaced Shasha for that dae (forgotton his name). Poor them. I got for all of them BK whopper meal! haha! I really don't know what they want =) After then, they had their lunch in a rush as they got to prepare for the next show at 3. Its sad. I had Cavana's Honey Grilled Chicken Rice and I fed Him a mouthful of my rice! Swwweeet! As the 2nd show went smoothly, they had already need to prepare the colouring registration counter booth. For both weekends, the coordinators would have to work long hours because of the colouring competition while the talents would be resting and sleeping backstage. Sad. I helped them by walking around looking at the kids' colouring! haha!

Last show of the dae finally Uncle Johnny like it best. Organize and smooth! Elvin, Winston and I went for dinner at the foodcourt upstair. Elvin had some omelette horfun, Winston ahd fishball noodles and I had Crispy chicken rice. I love it! I fed Him my last chicken since He wants it! Swwweett! =)

Whitney & Elliot

Pokemon's Hosts

Raymond, Ray, Pauli Paul, Miz and Lia looking at a TV phone

Winston around kids. Good husband, seriously.

Elvin, Myself, Winston and Haikal

His girlie hands =P

Candid shot of Him

Hazel's 20th Birthdae @ MusicGarage

Ranny & I

XN, Myself and Ranny with Terence, Timonty, Surya, Alvin and Elvin but they are DRUNK!

Timonty is really cute and Surya looks flirtious!! aahh!!

Last Goodbye!